need.input.: personal growth

Showing posts with label personal growth. Show all posts

Why the World Needs Introverts

Did you know that around 60 to 70 percent of the world population considers themselves to be extroverted?

(These numbers may vary and were based on none-scientific Googling, but still!)

That means that the majority of humankind is outgoing, and therefore tends to be energized by people, loves being around crowds, feels depressed when they don't have constant human interaction, etc.

What about the other 30 to 40 percent of us?

We are introverts.

I am an introvert.

This means I:

Feel most comfortable by myself
Though I enjoy interaction with others, need time to "recharge" after even a few hours of being with people
Feel drained rather than energized by parties or large groups
Am particularly selective about who I spend time and don't want to "waste" time with people I find uninteresting

In short, I find being around people tiring. Not that it's not worth it at times, but even the thought of being around too many people for too long makes me anxious.

Understanding introverts

To an extrovert, these qualities no doubt sound crazy.

Extroverts are adored by society, seen as loving, friendly, warm, approachable, etc.

Introverts are often misunderstood and even looked down upon because of their strange and perplexing qualities. As Jonathan Rauch, well-known self-proclaimed introvert and correspondent for The Atlantic says, extroverts have little understanding of the introvert mentality:

"Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take umbrage at the suggestion."

Extroverts dominate the social scene. They are better networkers. They make friends quicker.

I've often felt left out as an introvert. I've never been an instant hit at a party. I've never wowed the room with jokes. I envy the people who do.

Rauch says being an introvert is even more difficult as a female, as women introverts are more likely to be perceived as timid, withdrawn or haughty.

Damn, sometimes, I wish I was an extrovert.

The world needs introverts

Over the past 24 years of my introverted existence, I've had many people tell me that I'm hard to approach. That maybe I come off as being "snobby" at times. I've never known how to change it - I'm simply a person who likes to observe, rather than initiate conversation. I'm introverted.

Introverts think before they speak. They are pitiful at small talk, gravitating instead toward meaningful conversation. They often are able to more deeply understand others because they spend so much time observing them.

In short: we need introverts.

Introverts listen. They have quality conversations. They feed the extroverts' need for attention.

But it's not easy to be an introvert.

So if you're an extrovert, understand that the person next to you at a party might not be rude, snobby or even shy - they may be an introvert.

Understand that we have a place in this world, too.

Though you may dominate most of public life, we are here, and we are making a difference in our own way.

And as Jonathan puts it:

Being an introvert "it's not a choice. It's not a lifestyle. It's an orientation."

Read Jonathan Rauch's full article on introversion here.

Focusing on Strengths Rather Than Weaknesses

As a society, we devote most of our energy to focusing on our weaknesses when we should instead be embracing and improving our strengths.

As adults this habit comes naturally to us, and we're accustomed to concentrating on our faults the majority of the time. This leads us to spending a disproportionate amount of time fretting over the skills we are "bad" at: public speaking, organization, time management, (insert thing you'd like to be better at here), etc. because we think we need these skills to be a successful person.

This obsession with weakness has been ingrained in us since we were little kids, where we were taught that our strengths just don't matter as much as our weaknesses. This was reinforced by our teachers (through no fault of their own - they are just following the system), and usually through our parents as well.

An A Doesn't Matter as Much as an D...

Think about it.

If a student brings home an A in science class, but a D in English, he is told to focus solely on improving his English grade - while ignoring his obviously natural ability for science.

If a JV basketball player is an incredible defender, but misses every free-throw shot she takes, she is instructed to spend all of her time practicing her free-throws, not further developing her defensive skills.

If a shy teenager is forced to take part in the school's debate team in the attempt to make him a more outgoing person, this is ignoring his natural strength to quietly observe and connect with others in a calm manner.

This is not to say that there is no benefit in having some level of ability to do a lot of things - from a young age onward, kids should be learning a variety of different subject matters and acquiring many different skills through their education and outside activities.

But young people shouldn't be punished because they don't have a natural ability for something. They shouldn't be required to spend all their time improving their skills on a subject or activity that they have no interest or natural talent in. Instead, they should be given ample time to focus on improving what they already have an innate ability for - and so should we.

Stop trying to be average at everything

As an adult, it's highly counterproductive to focus only on our weaknesses.

Even if we spend hours, days, even years trying to develop our perceived faults, we will only ever really become mediocre at these weaknesses (or they wouldn't be weaknesses, would they?). By spending all of our time attempting to improve our public speaking ability, we will generally become an average public speaker, never an outstanding one.

But what if we took that same drive to improve and put it towards our innate writing ability instead? We would then have the possibility of becoming a fantastic writer, rather than a tolerable speaker.

Discover your strengths...and work to improve them

There is an entire book devoted to the subject of discovering and improving upon your strengths aptly titled, Strengths Finder 2.0. It's an overall interesting read and discusses further why you should focus on your strengths, but the most useful part of the book is its Strength Finder assessment. The test uses a series of proven questions to determine your top five strengths.

For example, my top five strengths were:

1. Learner: I have a great desire to learn and want to continuously improve.

2. Futuristic: I am inspired by the future and what could be.

3. Individualization: I am intrigued by the unique qualities of each individual person and can figure out how people who are different can work together productively.

4. Input: I have a craving to know more and tend to collect and archive information.

5. Command: I have presence, can take control of situations and make decisions.

Of the five strengths listed in the Strength Finder results, the last one - command - was the most surprising to me.

I've never thought of myself as a person in control, someone able to make decisions for myself or others.

Obviously, this is a strength that is largely undeveloped, giving me a lot of room to improve upon. Which is kind of exciting. (Me? Have presence? I like the sound of that...)

Finding your own strengths

There's no need to buy Strengths Finder 2.0 if you don't want to spend the money (if you're interested though, you can buy it here through an affiliate link). All you need to do is to start becoming more aware of your own abilities and ask yourself these questions:

What have you always felt that you were "naturally good at?" Helping others? Leading? Coming up with great ideas? Focusing?

Do you take the time to practice and improve these areas that you're already strong at, or do you focus instead solely on areas of weakness?

If you asked your friends and family what your strongest attributes were, what would they say? (If you don't know, ask them!)

Once you have your answers, take the time and create a plan on how to further develop your strengths. They are likely your best attributes, and will lead to greater success and confidence if you take the time and effort to develop them.

Writing Challenge: Trust Yourself

To my fellow writers and creative thinkers out there:

I've made a commitment to take on a writing challenge inspired by the great Ralph Waldo Emerson himself. The challenge encourages you to look within and trust yourself, and will act as an opportunity to reflect on the now and create direction for your future.
The #Trust30 challenge starts May 31, 2011 and continues for 30 days. Here are the rules:

Each day a prompt will be posted (and e-mailed to you if you need a reminder) by an original thinker and doer on http://ralphwaldoemerson.me.
Fill out the pledge on the challenge website to commit to participating.
Blog, journal or create something on each of the 30 days.
Tweet using the hashtag #Trust30 to show your support and involvement.

Pretty cool, huh?

I will be using Twitter to post my daily prompt responses but I will also use this site for longer thoughts.

Join me in this challenge!

Why You Need to Stop Being So Stubborn

Anyone you ask will tell you that I am a notoriously stubborn person. I am highly aware of this, and, admittedly, even a little proud of it at times.

Ask me to do something and I will undoubtedly want to do its opposite. The words you have to do/try/read/watch/etc. are my biggest turn offs; the second they come out of someone's mouth I completely shut down. This is true even when I know that person has my best interests at heart, and yes, even when I know that I probably will like the food/blog/film recommended to me.

I just don't like to be told what to do.

Stubbornness as an asset

I know I'm not alone here. I come from a bright and incredibly stubborn family and I'm convinced that Westerners in general are a dogged breed. Also, my generation (Gen Y) has a reputation for being ornery, spoiled brats (it's true).

Without a doubt, there have been times where my stubbornness has helped me. Like my refusal to sign on to a boring, unchallenging job/career where my soul will slowly be sucked from me. Or when I decline to eat meat even though a good friend tells me I just have to try it (I've been a vegetarian by personal choice since I was six years old). Or when I use my stubbornness to stand up for what I believe in (the environment, politics, religion, etc.) and refuse to give into other people's views.

I'm sure you've had times like these too. This is when stubbornness is at its best, blending with morality to give you your unique personality and views on life and humankind.

When stubbornness is a liability

Though it can be a useful attribute at times, stubbornness in its usual form is disadvantageous and leads to a negative outcome. Being bullheaded just for the sake of not giving into someone else's desires is more often than not detrimental to a person's own well being.

Sound familiar?

How often have you not tried a bite of food that actually looked pretty good just because the person offering it to you was being over-the-top pushy?

Do you ever refuse to do something that you actually want to do because another person (your partner, family member, friend, etc.) wants you to?

Have you ever protested against reading to/listening to/watching something just because it was popular or "everyone liked it" even though you actually wanted to read/listen/see it?

I have.

Stubbornness can hurt you - literally!

One of the things I've been most stubborn about for years now is doing yoga. I've rallied against it, refusing to practice it myself and even telling others that it was lame and not to do it. Yes, I had some legitimate reasons to avoid it (it doesn't burn many calories, should not be a person's only form of exercise, etc.), but I was mostly just stubborn.

Well, my avoidance of yoga and most recovery-centered exercise came back to bite me in the butt. Doing only intense (HIIT) exercise six or seven days a week broke my body down and left me with injury after injury - shin splints, a misplaced rib, pulled muscles, even a broken bone in my foot. My stubbornness was literally hurting me.

So I gave in. I've been doing a little yoga here and there, no 90 minute classes, mind you (I can't think of a worse torture), but some stretching and poses a few times a week after my other workouts or on rest days. I still find it boring, and would much rather be doing something more active, but I will freely admit that I am less injured than I was without it.

I let go of my stubbornness, admitted my inflexible view on yoga had been pure bullheadedness, and felt a weight lift from my shoulders in the process.

Admitting you're wrong

Letting go of your stubbornness can be tough.

Admitting you were wrong to be stubborn in the first place can be even harder.

But the next time you're feeling stubborn, ask yourself, am I standing up for something I believe in, or just being stubborn for pride's sake? If the answer is the latter, try to budge a little and admit your mistake. You'll become a better, more open-minded (and happier!) person because of it.

PS. Smiling helps too - a smile can help you realize how ridiculous you're really being and lighten up the situation (my go-to method for letting go).

Associating Yourself With the Right Groups to Encourage Your Inner Genius

Human beings are pack animals by nature. Most of us gravitate toward groups of some sort, whether they revolve around family, church, education, work, partying, sports, etc.

Some people stay in the same groups their entire lives, while others move around, eager to discover and be a part of many social crowds.

The groups you choose to associate yourself with can have a profound effect on your life, and may either prove to be the main advocate of your inner genius or oppose everything you've ever tried to do, bringing you down and killing your creativity in the process.

Positive vs. negative groups

When groups are good, they're really good. They can offer all sorts of benefits and change your life for the positive. For example, they can:

Be incredibly supportive.
Be a place to bounce off ideas and become a starting point for creative thinking.
Create love, friendship, etc.
Create healthy competition and collaboration between group members.
Challenge you to be the best/most creative/most innovative person you can be.

On the other hand, if you associate yourself with the wrong groups, you may find yourself in a downward spiral of negativity. These detrimental groups can:

Create unwanted peer pressure and make you feel worse about yourself due to unhealthy competition and/or push you in a direction you know isn't right for you.
Be unsupportive and bring you down.
Take away your creativity by convincing you that you are not a creative person.
Lead you down a path that will make you unhappy and unfulfilled, ultimately crushing your dreams.

The danger of dodging groups all together

I've avoided groups most of my life out of fear of being stuck (a recurring fear of mine) and getting pulled into a negative community.

While this has allowed me to stay away from unfavorable crowds, it has also kept me from getting the full advantages of being part of a positive group, and has left me feeling pretty lonely over the years.

I also believe that straying from the natural congregative nature of human beings has stifled my creativity (since I've had no one to bounce ideas off of) and created a lot of self doubt (since I've had no outside encouragement).

Lately, I've been thinking I need a group.

The closest I've come in recent years is being part of a gym (before this it was high school sports). CrossFit offers a place where everyone is extremely supportive - there is friendly competition but little criticism. As a CrossFitter, you're always wanting to be better because everyone around you is encouraging you to challenge yourself - and that's the best kind of group.

Yet as much as I love CrossFit and its caveman style workouts, I know I need to find these types of positive groups in all areas of my life so I can continue to challenge myself and push my creativity to the limits.

What group are you part of? What draws you toward a particular group?

Baring it All

There's something incredibly scary about sharing yourself with others.

I'm certainly not immune to this fear. Anyone who knows me will say I'm a pretty reserved person, and have been since I was a little kid. I'm not exactly sure how it happened, but something early on in my childhood taught me that my personal life wasn't of interest to others. So I kept quiet.

This introverted nature has, in my mind, cost me a lot over the years - friendships, relationships, probably jobs. Growing up, I was always aware that my shyness was possibly holding me back, but I didn't know how to change it. It was just who I was.

Recently, I came to the revelation that I am not an inherently 'bad' person and that I do have something worthwhile to say (more on this in an upcoming post). This, as ridiculous as it may sound, opened up a whole new world for me. As a lifelong shy person, it meant that I could finally start to be myself and share that person - all the good and bad parts - with the world.

Now, this being a recent discovery, it's more talk than action at this point, although I did force myself to face my fears and attend a social event by myself the other day (scary!). Saying it out loud (or in words) still feels foreign and unnatural and I impulsively want to retreat back to my old, hermit-like self. And although I have no qualms about anonymous readers finding this out about me - I most likely don't know you personally, after all, or ever will - it scares the shit out of me that someone I actually know could be reading what I have to say.

And, with that being said, here are a few quirks about me (full disclosure):

I eat popcorn like a lizard (this is highly embarrassing to my husband)
I will do anything for food, including work out for three hours a day
I am obsessed with fantasy worlds and wish I would wake up one day in a Harry Potter book
As a kid I used to think that everyone could read my mind so I would try as hard as I could not to think about bad things
I am scared shitless of staying in one place for too long (the reason why I move every year or so)
I wish I hadn't tried so hard to be 'good' growing up and actually gotten into some trouble as a kid
I am a complete bitch when I don't get enough food (see how much of this is centered around food?)
I will never go into a store if there is no one else in there out of fear someone will notice me, or worse, talk to me
I am still bitter that I wasn't born a man
I will not answer the phone if you call me after 9pm
I have always wanted to be a crazy mathematician/scientist
I much prefer animals to humans

And the list goes on.

Do you find it difficult to share yourself with others or can you talk about yourself all day long?

Note: The above photo of me was taken while in the Harry Potter exhibit at Disney World - needless to say, I was thoroughly enjoying myself.

Why you Should Stop Focusing on Being Original

Most of us assume that all the great ideas in the world came from brilliant thinkers who had only original ideas.

This is intimidating. It means that the rest of us need to use our average minds to come up with an equally dazzling idea that no one has ever thought of before.

But this way of thinking stops any of us from even trying. It's too big. Too scary. Too impossible.

Pablo Picasso famously said, "Good artists copy, great artists steal."

It's okay to take ideas from other sources. Pick out things from movies you love, books you've read, other people you've talked to and put it all together to make your own creation. It will be original because of the way you put it together, not because the idea itself never existed before.

After all, Apple didn't actually invent the computer, they just made it better.

Anonoymity vs. Familiarity

There are two main groups of people in the world: those who want to be known, and those who want to remain unknown.

Public figures, movie stars, and CEOs all fit into the former category. It's fairly obvious to tell these types of people: they are most often outgoing, friendly, driven, and popular.

The latter category of people can be harder to distinguish. Nerds, photographers and librarians can all easily be part of the unknown group. Those obsessed with Second Life most definitely are (although they are often channeling their lifelong desire to be outgoing through their Second Life avatar). But really, anyone who likes to stay behind the scenes desires to remain anonymous most of the time. I should know; I've been this way my entire life.

The downside to being known is that you have a lack of privacy. This is most obvious with celebs and public figures but can be true for anyone who puts themselves out there and has some sort of success.

The downside to being unknown is that when you have something to say, no one is there to listen because no one knows you exist.

Learning to Fail, One Step at a Time

I moved to Amsterdam three years ago full of dreams of how I would spend my time there, yet it took only a year of constant failure to make me feel like a worthless human being.

I had certainly run into my fair share of bad luck. My husband worked for Nike at the time, and we moved over there thinking I'd have no problem getting a job (a bright young college graduate with exciting ideas - who wouldn't want to hire me?). But I had plenty of factors going against me:

The recession had just hit the US and was quickly radiating to the rest of the world, including Europe.
I didn't speak Dutch (this turned out to be a much bigger issue than I'd thought)
Being a relatively recent college graduate, I didn't have the mandatory 3-5 years of experience required by most of the companies there.
I didn't have an area of "specialty."

Combine these external factors with the reality that I didn't know what the hell I actually wanted to do with my life, and it's pretty obvious why I may have had a lot of failed attempts.

Try and try again

Though I had been a journalist before moving to the Netherlands, I realized pretty quickly after moving that I would have to be open to different opportunities.

So I tried getting a job at my husband's company. No dice (not enough experience/no specialty).

I tried working as an English-language correspondent for a Dutch newspaper. They told me I needed to learn to read Dutch better - though I thought I could do the job just fine using a dictionary and Google translate (if you're wondering, I did take Dutch lessons, but it is not an easy/desirable language to learn).

I got my personal training certification and tried working at a gym just to have something to do. Again, not enough Dutch (mind you, every Dutch person can speak English, they are just stubborn about it because they know Dutch is a dying language).

I applied to every job I could think of with no luck. Eventually I just gave up.

Learning to fail

Giving up was the worst thing I could have done. It made me lose my hope and my passion for life. It made me think that I was worthless, that I used to be smart/interesting/ambitious/creative but that somewhere along the line I'd made a wrong decision and there was nothing I could do about it. I was doomed to live an unfulfilling life. In short, I was screwed.

But of course I was having a tough time. I was living in a foreign country where I had no contacts, resources or people to help me. I missed my family. I was lonely. The worst recession since the Great Depression had hit just as I had graduated college. It was a tough time for a lot of people. It still is.

Things gradually started to pick up for me, but only after I started accepting the following:

That I never want a real job (I define a real job as a 9 to 5 job at some sort of company or corporation, involving lack of freedom, creativity etc., but feel free to add your own interpretations).
That I actually am a creative person, and I do have something to say and contribute to the world.
That I haven't chosen the easiest path, but ultimately it will be the most fulfilling.

Everyone fails. The key to success is to keep trying and to learn from your mistakes.

I know I'll get it right eventually.

How to Survive in New York

I've lived in New York for almost a year now, and anyone who has met me knows I'm not the biggest fan of the concrete jungle.

This paragraph written by Hugh MacLeod, author of Evil Plans: Having Fun on the Road to World Domination and former Manhattan resident, perfectly sums up my feelings about living here:

In New York, you always think that if you try harder, work longer hours, make more money, spend more time at the gym, put more effort into networking, read more books, go to bed earlier, drink less booze, avoid negative people, be less shallow about the whole sex thing, be more supportive to your close friends, eat more vegetables and stop smoking so many damn cigarettes, you will eventually be able pull off that great Miracle Of Miracles i.e. you’ll finally, finally, finally be able to live in Manhattan while simultaneously leading a healthy, productive, emotionally-balanced life.

- Hugh MacLeod

How Our Insecurities Limit Our Potential

We've all heard it a million times: accept yourself as who you are.

I've always thought it was a load of crap, until recently.

All of my life, I've wanted to be:

More outgoing
Less claustrophobic
More patient
More innovative
More confident
Less awkward
More easy going
Less hermit-like
Smarter
More gifted with names/dates/numbers
Less ADD-disabled
More daring/riskier
Better looking, with more toned abs, thicker hair, yada yada

The list goes on.

But I've realized lately that by focusing on my shortcomings (or what I perceive as shortcomings), I'm limiting myself from growing as a person. I'm holding myself back from becoming the person I'm really supposed to be.

By focusing on our strengths, instead of our weaknesses, we can become more whole.

You are a Genius!

I just can't get over how much I love this quote:

No one is a genius all the time. Einstein had trouble finding his house when he walked home from work every day. But all of us are geniuses sometimes.

Seth Godin, Linchpin

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